Despite it never being on my list, there was one gift I was
always guaranteed to receive with my stocking on Christmas morning. As much as
I would love to say that it was some cool amazing electronic device or a
collectable item that would one day be worth millions, my gift was a bit lack
luster. As sure as Santa has a white beard, I was sure to receive the completely
practical, plain and boring package of white T-shirts.
As a little kid, I would see these shirts and literally toss
them to the side. They were just another crappy filler gift trying to get
between me and the awesome gifts that awaited my unwrapping hands. Yet despite
my total lack of emotional attachment to these undershirts, year after year
they continued to show up. I never complained of course, because I didn't want
to be that bratty kid that nobody likes, but inside I'd be thinking, "Come
on! It's Christmas! Enough with the white shirts!!!"
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| Not another white T shirt! |
Then I hit puberty.... (Cue suspenseful music and women
screaming in terror)
There is something strange that happens with the body
chemistry of a man. (Insert snarky comment here.) An odd reaction takes place
when combining the fabric of the white T with the secretion of the male armpit.
It is similar to that which happens when you take your dog out for walk after a
freshly fallen snow. For those of you from southern California who may have no
concept of this pairing, I'll make it plain. Within this vast blanket of
perfect white forms a spot of yellow. This spot then grows and deepens in
color. In the case of the T-shirts, I call them, "The Amber Pits of
Gold."
 |
| Oh, good Lord. |
Single ladies! This is
a warning for all of you who wish to be married. There is a good chance that
even your most perfect and ideal man, whom I hope you meet and live happily
ever after, will have some of the nastiest undershirts you have ever
encountered. I say this to prepare you of the impending shock.
Here is my point. For many years, I mocked and sneered at
that prospect of new white undershirts as a Christmas gift. Now, I welcome them
with open arms... literally. I instantly transform from a disgusting slob to a Haines'
model in seconds with the simple application of this gift. It does wonders for
my marriage. It's funny. All this time I thought I was receiving a gift that I
didn't want, when I was actually being gifted with something I that I needed.
Huh!? I wonder how often that might happen!?
1. On my Christmas list this year I am asking for not one, but two packs of Hanes undershirts.
ReplyDelete2. I graded a student journal yesterday in which Alex takes his daily notes. In one section of the notes, I came across a back and forth note conversation between Alex and his neighbor, Juilienne. The back and forth went like this:
Julienne: "Look at Mr. Williams' armpits."
Alex: "Ewwww."
This is the reason for point #1.
3. You sneaky SOB Greg. Inserting those parting comments that move me from amber pits to much deeper thinking. Nice work.
RW
Ahahahaha! Freaking Julienne and Alex! They are the meanest! May you be blessed with all the Stafford Performance (@ Jason Brown) white T's of the world.
DeleteA few years back, I found some undershirts at JC Penney -- Stafford performance. They claimed some sort-of armpit stain blocking power . . . AND THEY COMPLETELY WORKED. Wearing one as I'm typing this comment and after 4 years, still not yellow in the pits. Really. I would not have any problem selling these babies. I encourage any and all men (and their ladies) to check these bad boys out. Just to reiterate: STAFFORD PERFORMANCE.
ReplyDeleteYeah, but is it comfortable like a white cotton T?
DeleteStafford performance eh? I'll have to look into that 'cause Bryan's pits are nasty!! But you're right, nothing turns you smelly men into a piece of hunka burning love like a crisp, new, form fitting white tee. Merry Christmas to us ladies!
ReplyDelete