I've been in what I would call an "uneasy state"
as of late. It's not that much is going wrong. The opposite is actually true.
Much is going very, very right. Still, there is this internal tension that
takes hold in the quiet moments of my brain and subtly nudges me toward a place
of dissatisfaction with my self and with my circumstance. Allow me to clarify
your mental eye by painting more color and detail into what I'm describing.
I was driving down to Paramount with my newlywed wife to watch
the opening ceremony of the Olympics with some of our closest friends. We rode
in silence during the breaks in conversation because I had forgotten my IPod at
home and the radio tends to fail in providing musical vibe I might hope for on
such a journey. These quiet moments afford me the opportunity to think upon my
day.
Here's a little glimpse into my thoughts as I drove down the
605:
I forgot my IPod
again. Have I really been married for over a month? It is 7 pm!? I haven't
worked out in a long time. I need to make a schedule. I can't make a schedule,
because there are too many random things going on. How has it already been a
month!? Things will calm down soon. Oh crap! I still have to get that project
done. I should really be writing again. Why do I always forget my IPod? Next
Monday, the diet and exercise starts. Oh wait... I have to be at that thing on
Monday. I need a routine. IT'S BEEN OVER A MONTH!?...
And on and on it goes like that. I am assuming you've had
similar internal discussions with your own thoughts, hopes, and agendas. Even
though none of these things are really a big deal, when I let them stack up on
one another like this, I feel weighed down by a sense of failure and inadequacy.
And so, in that frustration and uneasiness, I long for control.
If I can just plan it well, if I could just make a schedule,
if I could just come up with a strategy and follow through, then... then I
would feel better and then I would be content. Ultimately, I want my life to be
completely under my omniscient and omnipotent reign.
Here is the problem. Any control I think I might have over
my current circumstances can be upended and torn asunder within seconds, and
this not because the changing winds blow so strong, but because my illusion of
control is so fragile and easily destroyed. Most of the time when I am faced
with this reality, my response is one of fear.
So in that state of fear, I scramble to gather the shards and broken pieces of
the control I had built and try again.
After all, how can I feel safe, secure and content while knowing I am not in control?
It reminds me of the Biblical encounters between man and God.
I am sure that if there was ever a time to know that you are not in control, it is when the heavens have
been ripped open and before you stands a horrific and awesome messenger of God.
Notice that in all these cases, the people respond with fear and trembling as
their fragile houses of control have
just been dashed to pieces. Yet... in each of these cases, the first words from
God are, "Do not be afraid."
Interesting...
It is in the loss of control that God speaks to the
irrelevance of fear...
Maybe my schedule won't save me...
Dang. Great reminder. I am often caught up in the idea that: if I am productive or if I do the things I like more or if I just be with these people or if I can somehow find a way to do this this AND this... then I would feel better about myself. I will start to be liked more. If I get my life down in such a way I will be more satisfied and content and happy. I need more reminders that who I am, what I have, my friends, my family, my job, and my education is all grace. I had no power in determining what kind of life I was going to be born into. So why should I spend a lot of my resources trying to figure out how to make my life better and more instead of just making my life good and well with what I have? It's been in God's control before my beginning.
ReplyDeleteLong response, but here it is:
ReplyDeleteI think you raise a very relevant point. I struggle with the same exact type of fears ALL the time. I suspect it's partially my nature, and partially some environmental factors.
To put it in somewhat of a sociological framework, we live in a society that puts a very high premium on material success; having a house, car, family, career, perfect body, etc. The ideal set forth is one of a person who organizes their life around the acquisition of these things, no matter what the cost.
These aren't bad things to have in themselves, but when they become the focus of our lives and the measure of our "success", they bring with them a mountain of worry that takes the fulfillment that we imagined we would have, and turns it into fear; fear of losing what we've worked so hard for. Some churches actually go so far as to teach that if you are obeying God, you SHOULD have all of those things, or question your obedience.
I believe God's view of success is vastly different than that of the worlds, but it's not as popular because few will praise you for making yourself poor so you can be available, or sacrificing material success for faithfulness to God's calling in your life (if indeed his calling in ones life calls for such sacrifice). Matthew 6 addresses this whole subject very directly, and basically tells us that rather than worrying about all of life's needs and desires, we should seek HIS kingdom (I think rather than our own kingdom) and he will provide for us.
Easier said than done, and I constantly need reminders like this to bring me back to trusting God rather than myself.
Glad to read your inner dialogue is a little crazy, just like mine. It's unfortunate we berate ourselves for allowing life to get in the way of our plans. Why wouldn't it?
ReplyDeleteThese are encouraging words everybody. I hear ya all. Life's responsibilities and demands can be a bit overwhelming at times, especially when adding to all of it the extra pressure of living as a follower of Christ. He never said it would be safe, secure and predictable, He just said come to Me, learn from Me and I will give you rest. And it is definitely comforting to be reminded that our almighty and powerful God IS the one in control - especially when we do find ourselves in crazy/difficult/unexpected circumstances - and that He doesn't want us to act in fear but rather to step closer to Him in faith. So, thanks for the reminder of God's word to us, "Do not be afraid" when we encounter His sovereign presence in our unpredictable lives. It's good to know Somebody actually is in control! And that we're not alone in our struggles to live in His strength instead of our own.
ReplyDeleteThanks guys. Love ya all.