The Parable of the Trust Funds

"Make it wane! Make it wane!"

There were two brothers born into a very wealthy family. This family was so wealthy, in fact, that the head of the family established two trust funds, naming both of the brothers as beneficiaries. These trust funds would grant each brother with $1,000,000,000. The terms of these trust funds, however, did not allow access to these accounts until the brothers had reached their 50th year.

At the age of 18, each brother was made aware of the fortune that awaited him in the future. The one brother, no longer seeing the point in working for any wealth that would quickly be made obsolete by his 50th birthday, began to squander the resources he had. As time wore on and his resources waned to nothing, he began to borrow much and take out many loans knowing that one day he might pay them off.

The other brother, seeing the wastefulness of depending solely on a fortune that would take 32 years to arrive, began to work and build his own fortune. With the confidence given by the promise of future wealth, this brother was willing to take risks in investments and generosity that helped make his future of wealth and prosperity into a present reality.

So it is with the Kingdom of God.

hmmm...

Man Oh Manna

Just try to keep up, son!

How is it that some of the most provocative and revolutionary ideas are some of the oldest that we have? I was reminded of this truth today as I had the opportunity to listen to a lecture by the author of The Irresistible Revolution and Jesus For President, Shane Claiborne.

Some of you may have read or heard of Shane Claiborne before and can attest to his fantastic ability to communicate. Often his most inflammatory statements are somehow sweetened by his charming Southern drawl and his joyful personality. As revolutionary and inspiring as he may be, however, the simple reality is that his ideas are old. Really old!

Buckle up, kids. It's freakin' story time!

For example, Shane told the old Exodus story involving bread from heaven, wandering ex-slaves, and a really powerful and loving God. (Quick Bible History Lesson: The Hebrew slaves had finally been released from the clutches of Egyptian slavery through the mighty acts of God, and were now wandering through the wilderness with hopes of the Promised Land. In their wandering, they began to fear that Moses had led them from Egypt only to die of hunger in the desert. God hears the cries of his people and responds by sending bread from heaven, called "Manna." This bread was sent, however, with a command. "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day." If they gathered more than needed, their storage of Manna would be filled with maggots.)

This may be an old story, but it is still a revolutionary and challenging concept. God invites this community to take what they need and trust that there will be enough for tomorrow.

Now here is the truth, living with a wandering group of nomads in a place where bread rains from heaven every morning is a bit different from living in America in the 21st Century. There is a wisdom and stewardship that aligns with proper savings and storage. But be that as it may, there is still an underlying message here that will always be relevant for the hearts of humankind. We have a strong tendency to believe that "there is not enough." Not enough money. Not enough time. Not enough resources. Not enough! And it is this fear of scarcity that leads to our tightened grips, our lack of sharing, our fear of the future, and our general anxiety with life. 

"Oh no! Do I have enough time to finish this blog!?"

Let's make it plain. If you are reading this blog, I am guessing in one way or another you are worrying about what's next... not with my blog, but with your life. I have friends buying homes, starting churches, moving to new cities, and I am pretty sure that all of them are asking themselves similar questions.

"Can we afford this?"

"Is this the right decision?"

"How am I going to make enough money?"

"What am I supposed to do with my life?"

And on and on and on... 

These questions plague us and fill our sleepless nights with dread. The wandering Hebrew people were probably asking similar questions. What did we do? What is next? What if we run out?

What do you think it would it be like to let these questions go? What would it take to let them go? What if we understood that the answers to these questions would not free us of our worry, but, at best, redirect it?

This Exodus story invites us into a way of living that defies these worrisome questions. It prescribes a life of trust. It is not a health and wealth Gospel (just believe and you'll have all that you desire), nor is it a life void of responsibility. "Everyday" we are to "gather enough for that day." No more and no less.

So, I guess the next time your heart if filling with these questions of dread and worry, ask yourself, "Have I gathered what I need for today?" If your answer is, "yes," then what have you got to be so worried about?!

Yeah. Calm down, dummy.

The Perspective Cliff

Imagine standing about 20 feet from the lip of a cliff waiting for your loved one to climb up to where you are. You know that this person is actively trying to reach the top. You can even hear them scrambling and yelling out, "I'm coming!" but, as more time goes by, you start to wonder whether they will ever make it. Minutes and then hours roll by and each "I'm coming! I'm coming!" becomes a reminder of the inability and untrustworthiness of this sorry excuse for a climber. And there you wait... alone... wondering if this person will ever come.

"Are there rocks ahead?"
"If there are, we all be dead."

Now, imagine yourself at the bottom of a rock face. The rocks are wet and hard to hold. You quickly realize that this climb, although possible (you've seen others have done it before), is easily going to be one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do. You begin your ascent, but quickly underestimate the slick nature of the rocks, so you slide back down to the bottom. You try another route, but again are surprised by difficulty of the climb. You think about quitting, but staying at the bottom is not an option. The car, your friends, and your life are waiting at the top. So you start again. Learning, as you go, how to better handle the terrain, you get farther than you ever have before and yell out in excitement, "I'm coming! I'm almost there!" only to put your faith in the wrong foothold and once again slide to the bottom. By now, your arms and legs are scraped and bleeding and your lungs feel on fire as you hear an annoyed and bitter voice from above ask, "Are you coming or aren't you?" To which you quietly respond under your breath, as your heart fills with rage, "Forget you! I'm doing the best I can!"

It's obvious, isn't it? If the person at the top would simply walk forward, look over the cliff and see how hard the climber is trying and how treacherous the climb truly is, his or her annoyance and bitterness might fade and they might even find appreciation for the climber's best efforts.

"Oh... that does look difficult."

But even with this new perspective shift, there is a tension that remains. First, this is their climb. You cannot climb it for them. To throw down a rope and pull them up is to steal their dignity and to rob them of any confidence for future climbs. Second, your unsolicited help or suggestions may only serve to further frustrate the climber. Remember, they are climbing while you are sitting comfortably at the top. You are not going to be the one who saves them. Which leads to the final tension. Despite your encouragement and understanding, this might take a lot longer than you think.

So it is with our sin and how it affects the ones we love.

"If anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone... Go now and leave your life of sin."

Let's Make It Hobbitual

Stuntin' is a hobbit.

By now, many of you have hopefully found your way to the movie theatre, spent far too much money on soda and milk duds, and let yourself enjoy the latest Peter Jackson offering known as "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey."

As for my quick review, I thought it was good. It was more lighthearted than The Lord of the Rings Trilogy and had some "cartoonish" moments that definitely hold true to the fun nature of the original Tolkien masterpiece. Obviously, there is the whole "frame rate" debate, but I simply enjoyed the story, which I feel was enhanced with the addition of story points from other writings of Tolkien.

What is frame rate, precious?

I say all this to say that I decided to be one of those pretentious and self-righteous folk in preparing for this movie. You know! The kind who feel the burden to read the book before the movie so that we can say things like, "Yeah, well... the book was better." It is a problem and I know it, but there are definite perks to doing this. First, often the book actually is better. Sorry! Had to say it. Second, you get to pick out little gems of dialogue like the one I am about to share with you.

Books give me the power to condescend!

This quotation takes place at the end of the epic tale (which means it might show up in part 2 or 3 of the movies), so I'll not divulge too much detail.

Think about this line, "If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world." To which I raise my coldest and largest glass of ale and bellow forth a resounding, "AMEN!"

Let's spend some time on these valued elements. Not that Mr. Tolkien would have ever wanted us to proof text and dissect his passage like this, but I guess if we feel the freedom to do it to scripture, why not to good ol' J.R.R.?

Is this food? 

1. Food - Food has many interesting qualities. It is a necessity for life. It is enjoyable (i.e. it tastes good... most of the time.) It can be comforting. It is cultural and diverse. It is wrapped up in tradition. It is highly emotional. I am probably just at the tip of the iceberg, but already it is plain to see that food is complex.

Truly valuing food would most likely lead to some interesting conclusions. For one, the concept of "fast" food would be gone, because when you value something, you take your time with it. Dinner tables would no longer serve as decorations and televisions would no longer set the soundtrack and conversations of the meal. I could probably rant for a while (mostly at myself), but to me there seems to be something intrinsically good and right about valuing food. It is not to be gorged, wasted or feared. It is to be loved and valued like the gift that it is.

Picture taken from the National "Pride for your Pits" Day Festival

2. Cheer - By cheer, I don't think Tolkien means skirts and pompoms. I believe he is tapping into the idea of mirth, lightheartedness, laughter, and joy. That same sense that often comes with the whole Christmas season. It is that deep internal sense that there is good in this world and that no darkness can permanently overshadow the light.

I'm singing... in an office... and... 

3. Song - When was the last time you sang? I mean really sang? Not the tempered voicing we do on Sunday mornings or the light, subtle harmonies to the songs on our car radio. I am talking about the eye-squinting, diaphragm-pushing, gut-busting singing that cuts through thin walls of plaster and causes the thumping of broomsticks from the apartment below. Now. When was the last time you sang like that with a group of people?

To value song is to know freedom in a truly physical and emotional way that connects us with our community. Soccer hooligans get it. Irish pubs get it. Occasionally the church gets it. We need to get it.

So, what do you value? Do you think Tolkien is right? Would you add to the list? Subtract? How is that we might start making this world a bit merrier?

How 'bout we add beer to that list? Heyo!

The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Part 12 "Completion"

12 Drummers Drumming!

Here it is. The final chapter to this epic challenge that I dubbed "The 12 Blogs of Christmas." Yes, it's true that I may be writing this final entry while riding on the plane from Des Moines to Los Angeles and that I am writing a Christmas blog entry on the first day of January, but who cares! I'm finishing... right?

"You are late, Mister!"

With all the being said, it only seemed right to have this 12th Yule tide entry be on the theme of completion. For example, me flying home from Iowa with my lovely wife is truly the end of the Christmas season for us. When we get home, no more Christmas music will be played and all the decorations will have to be put away. The movies have all been watched, the gifts unwrapped and the parties are now behind us.

In a very real sense, there is a sadness that comes with completion. Despite your thoughts on the holiday season, there does usually seem to be an overarching sense of good cheer, but now... sadly... Christmas is over. In a strange way, it is probably good that we feel sad. It means that the time and season actually meant something.

"Please don't let it be over!"

So if you're feeling low these next few weeks, it is totally understandable. But here is the other angle I want to take on this idea of completion.

A few weeks back I resolved to write 12 blogs about my experiences with Christmas, which resulted in the blowing up of many email inboxes across the country. (oops...) If I had ended up doing just 3 or 5, the truth is most of you would have moved on with your lives and not paid much notice. But something would have changed. My credibility would have taken a hit. Again, this is only a blog that has very small consequence to you and your community, but not finishing all 12 blogs would have said something about me.

I was recently talking to a good friend of mine. In a moment of powerful honesty, he admitted to me that he knew why he has struggled in certain leadership roles. He realized that others are cautious of following him because he has a track record of starting things and not following through. People want to follow someone they can trust. Since he had this realization, he has taken several steps to change about himself. These steps range from consistent workouts and healthy diet to writing projects and the completion of his bachelor's degree. Now a year later, he is fit, healthy and setting a track record that demands attention.

I was taken aback by my friend's humble and candid statement. Not because this is a brand new and original idea, but because of how close it hits to home... for many of us. It is that time of year when several of you will be considering New Year's resolutions. I happen to be the king of good "ideas" and new projects that have a shelf life of about 2 weeks to a month. Each time I fail, I end up feeling bad for myself and gain another reason to not believe in my own resolve or power of will.

So this is what I suggest and what I think I might try...

1.) I need to understand that there is power in completion. Knowing that this blog is almost at a close is already filling me with confidence for other writing projects and goals that I might have in the future. I need to capitalize on these small victories and keep moving forward

2.) I need to be wise. My goals or resolution need to be something that is possible right now! (Don't say you'll run every day if you don't even own a pair of running shoes.)

"Yeah! Get wise, you punk." 

3.) I need to actually do what I set have about to do. Finish! Even if it is not all like you thought it would be. FINISH!!! I just wonder how different our lives might be if our "Yes" truly meant yes and our "No" truly meant no.

... on second thought...

That's what I'm going to try. Maybe you can join me? Keep in mind, there is grace in all of this and failure can often be one of our best teachers, but think of the impact you might have as you continue to prove to yourself and to your community that your word can be trusted and that your resolve is sound.

Merry Christmas, everybody! Here's to a year of completion.

"We'll drink to that! How 'bout we complete this beer? Heyo!"

The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Part 11 "The Switch"

It's Christmas morning! The magic of the late night Christmas Eve service is still in the air and the long anticipated day is finally here. I sit up in bed, take a deep breath, stretch, and turn to look at the clock to see that it is... 10:47!? How did this happen???

When I was younger, the thought of sleeping in this late was ridiculous. How on earth could I continue to stay in bed when the reality of a stockpile of presents with my name on them was so much better than anything I could dream? I remember feeling like I was being punished because my parents had told me I had to stay in my room until 7 am. Once 7 am hit, I could not understand why my parents were acting so tired and worn out. Sure! They may have stayed up until 2 or 3 am making sure that all the presents were wrapped and under the tree, but 4 hours of sleep should be more than enough for the wonder of Christmas... right?

"Christmaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!!!" 

This was the story for most of my childhood Christmases, but then the switch happened. I'm sure you have all experienced it. The switch is that fateful year when you decide to forsake the excitement of Christmas for the relaxation and comfort of sleep. My first switch involved a four-hour swing. The year before, I had been up by around 7:30 am; the following year... 11:30!

It cannot be predicted when the switch will take place, but it will happen. But why does this happen? I used to think that it was because I was simply too old to get that excited about Christmas. I had matured. Now I realize, as I'm sure you do too, I'm not mature at all. The reason I stay in bed is for the same reason that I used to get out of bed so early. When I was younger, I actually had the power to manipulate when we opened presents. Earlier is better, so I would get up early to open presents sooner. As I got older, however, my powers of manipulation had faded. My older siblings had moved out of the house and there was no chance we would be opening gifts before noon. Thus, I slept in. Sleeping in meant that I could open presents sooner after waking.

Nice work, sleepy Gus. 

So if you happen to be feeling sad that you've lost some of your childhood excitement for Christmas, don't be. You're just playing the game better and getting your presents earlier in your day. Well done, Christmas sleeper. Well done. The Christmas Spirit is alive in you!

The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Part 10 "It's Never Too Late"

The Christmas Eve 11 pm church service is one of my favorites of the entire year. There is this odd magic and peacefulness to the whole experience. Growing up in Iowa, my family had its routine. Most of Christmas Eve day was filled with either getting last minute stuff taken care of or sitting around watching movies. Once evening came, we would head over to a family friend's house for their annual Christmas party. This was one of those adult parties where the cookies are a bit too dry, the punch is good but not great, and everyone is spreading a substance on crackers that look to have no business being on a food table. The people were nice enough, but this was no place for a young boy. I felt out of place and awkward.

Then my whole family would pile into the jeep and head to the church. On the way, my sister would be attempting to convince my folks to either skip church or at least turn off the Manheim Steamroller. (You know it's true, Leslie.) Meanwhile, my dad's eyes were already noticeably getting heavier and prepped for his long winter's nap. I on the other hand welcomed this late night service with open arms for a few reasons. First, it was a respite from the cheese log adult fest. Second, I was guaranteed to play with fire (love those tiny white candles). Finally, I just flat out liked it.

The church would be warmly lit, while outside the snow glowed with moonbeams. The air was crisp and cold. We sang songs that I knew and that even had a minor key. (Who doesn't love some O Come O Come Emmanuel?)

My favorite part, however, was walking out into the cold, still winter night after having just sang Silent Night. Even as a kid, I could feel the magnitude of this moment. I knew that this was no time to be loud or annoying. I understood that this was a time to sit still and wonder. Somehow, despite the anticipation of gifts and the normal chaos of the holiday season, a peace could be found, a stillness was available and a silent night could be possible.

I think it was in this moment that I would be reminded what the whole Christmas season was about. That in the midst of all the chaos and all the hardship and all the pain a peace can be born and was born that would transcend any power or being that would try to crush it.

So, it is my hope that you are able to attend such a service. It is my hope that you would have such a moment. It is my hope that this birth we celebrate tonight, would bring about a rebirth in you and that you would find peace on this silent night.

12 Blogs of Christmas: Part 9 "Keep It Real... Unbelievable"

What a cute night for Jesus!

I watched The Nativity a few weeks ago and it was a pretty well done movie. The makers of this film did a nice job of bringing a reality to this story that Christians have come to know so well. Sometimes I think the stories of the Bible can seem so fantastic and distant that we forget these were human beings facing very real problems (i.e. "Somebody help me deliver this baby!!!).

So although I appreciate the level of realism that this movie had to offer, I was greatly disappointed by what was lacking in one scene in particular. Near the end, an angel appears to the shepherds and tells them of Jesus' birth. Then the shepherds go find Jesus lying in a manger.

I know what your thinking, "Greg! That's exactly what happens in the Luke narrative." I know. I know. The problem is that they left out a big part.

"Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests,'" (Luke 2: 13-14).

Where was the great company? Where were the praises?

Less of this...

... more of this.

I am all for us taking time to consider the everyday and realistic nature of what happened on the day the Jesus was born, but come on! You gotta go big on this scene. I need the skies ripping open to set the stage for a multitude of heavenly hosts to start belting their praises to God. I need major special effects and CGI. I need THX and earth shaking sound systems. Mostly, I need to remember that this story of God coming to earth is both very real and completely spectacular... very familiar and completely holy... very human and completely divine.

"For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace," (Isaiah 9:6)

The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Part 8 "The George Bailey"

"Hey Greg... I want a big one!

Because this is a "pub" blog, I felt like it was fitting that I should share with you the recipe to one of my favorite holiday drinks. I invented this cup of Christmas spirits in honor of my favorite Christmas movie. So enough yappin'! Let's get pourin'!

This is The George Bailey!

Here's what you'll need:

1 oz     - Bailey's Irish Cream (because it is a George "Bailey")

1/4 oz  - Jim Beam (because George Bailey is played by "Jimmy" Stewart)

"Please, please put coconut in it... HOT DOG!!!"

1/4 oz - Coconut Rum (because of that scene at the beginning of the movie where little George says to little Mary, "You don't like coconuts!? Look here brainless! Don't you know where coconuts come from?"... Great scene.)

1/4 oz  - Peppermint Schnapps

2 oz     - Chocolate Milk (because peppermint and chocolate tastes like Christmas)

Here's what you do:

Combine Bailey's, Jim, coconut rum, schnapps, and chocolate milk into a shaker half filled with ice. Shake contents for 15 seconds or until arm is tired. Pour strained contents into a small glass. Drink and enjoy!

It should taste like a chocolate-mint milk shake with a little bit of kick. I recommend enjoying this drink while watching the real George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life. After a few of these, your life will probably be feeling pretty wonderful.

"Hello, Bedford Falls... I'm drunk!"

Merry Christmas!

The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Part 7 "Programmed to Fail"

When I was younger, my church loved to do a Christmas program with the kids.  Usually this meant that there was a telling of the Biblical Christmas story, intertwined with Christmas hymns, as we performed our best interpretations of a shepherd or wise man in our fathers’ bathrobes. For some reason it was way cooler to be a shepherd. Probably because they got to where a badass shepherds’ bandana and carry a staff. If you happened to be a wise man, you at least hoped to be the one who was giving gold. What the heck is “Frankenstein” anyway? And nobody wanted to be Joseph. Boring!

"Errr... Even Frankincense no want be Joseph! ... Errrr!!!"

You may have grown up doing similar programs. I’m not sure why I don’t see these happen as much anymore, but perhaps thats a thought process for another blog. The reason I bring it up is because this annual program was predictable and easy. Sure we didn’t love doing it, but at least it required minimal effort… until one Christmas.

The adults had gotten together and decided it would be a good idea to try a new program. This was a full on children’s musical about how a Sherlock Holmes-like character discovers the meaning of Christmas. Guess who got to play the role of Sherlock? That’s right… little Greg Wallace Dolmage.

"It's mystery solving time, punks!"

Of course I loved all the attention, but then I found out I had to sing a solo. Holy crap! Not only did I have to memorize a bunch of lines, but I also had to sing a song from memory with no back up! It was a bit stressful.

Well, the big night came and I was as nervous as a pony in a glue factory. The show started and I was actually remembering my lines and people were laughing. Then came my big solo. It was a song called “Elementary,” in which I explain how simple it is to discover the truth to my good friend, Watstein. With a voice of an angel and a heart of a lion, I stood up to the microphone and knocked it out of the park… is what would have happened if I had not forgotten my lines...

… awkward.

It was miserable. My mind was a total blank as everyone shifted uncomfortably in their seats. All that could be heard was the crappy background music and me mumbling at the mic. I thought my life was over, but the show went on. At the after-party (meaning the church basement with dry cookies and fruit drink). I assumed that everybody was talking about and laughing at me, but after a while I realized that nobody seemed to care.

Now, as I sit here recounting this story as a 30-year-old man, I can’t help but think that this horrible moment may have been one of the best things to happen to me. It didn't break me. Sure! My pride took a hit, but life moved on. I failed and I was fine.

It is a silly thing to fear failure. What better way is there to grow, develop, and stay humble all at the same time? So for this Christmas, I wish you all many failures that will shape and develop you into quality people. It's not rocket science... it's elementary, my dear Watstein.

"Way to bring it back, Greg!"

The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Part 6 "Albums I Have Heard On High"

Thank God for D-batteries

I'll admit it. Once Thanksgiving is done and Black Friday is upon us, I am pumping the Christmas jams like a berry farmer in December. I unashamedly own over 30 different Christmas albums and EPs. Thus, it only seemed appropriate to share with you five of my favorite albums early enough before Christmas that you too can buy them and enjoy them as December 25th approaches.

5. O Holy Night Tour - Live: The Prison Show by Sara Groves

Sara Groves is amazing and this album is no exception. Not all the songs on this album are Christmas songs, but the sing-along with a bunch of convicts at the end just gets me when I stop to think about

4. Christmas with the Rat Pack by Frank Sinatra/Dean Martin/Sammy Davis Jr.

Just classy. I mean some "put on your nice shoes and fill a glass with scotch" kind of classy.

3. Harry for the Holidays by Harry Connick, Jr.

Harry is a stud. He puts a jazzy, southern twist on these old standards that makes me want dance and eat some gumbo with a Santa hat firmly on my head.

2. Christmas...From the Realms of Glory by Bebo Norman

I hadn't purchased a Bebo Norman album in years. I was kind of over the whole Christian music scene, but I decided to give this album a shot and I am glad that I did. His mix of originals and remakes are sure to get you in the mood for both church and Christmas trees. Well done, Bebo. Well done.

1. Behold the Lamb of God by Andrew Peterson

For the last few years, this has been my favorite Christmas album. I make a point of listening through the whole thing at least once during the Advent season. Through song, this album walks you from Exodus to the birth of Christ in an amazingly thorough and beautiful way. This album is not just Andrew Peterson, but also includes many of his fellow friends and musicians (i.e. Derek Webb). Please buy this album tonight and remind yourself of the real hope that comes with this holiday season.

Please let me know of any albums I need to get my hands on.

The 12 Blogs of Christmas: Part 5 "The Amber Pits of Gold"

Despite it never being on my list, there was one gift I was always guaranteed to receive with my stocking on Christmas morning. As much as I would love to say that it was some cool amazing electronic device or a collectable item that would one day be worth millions, my gift was a bit lack luster. As sure as Santa has a white beard, I was sure to receive the completely practical, plain and boring package of white T-shirts.

As a little kid, I would see these shirts and literally toss them to the side. They were just another crappy filler gift trying to get between me and the awesome gifts that awaited my unwrapping hands. Yet despite my total lack of emotional attachment to these undershirts, year after year they continued to show up. I never complained of course, because I didn't want to be that bratty kid that nobody likes, but inside I'd be thinking, "Come on! It's Christmas! Enough with the white shirts!!!"

Not another white T shirt! 

Then I hit puberty.... (Cue suspenseful music and women screaming in terror)

There is something strange that happens with the body chemistry of a man. (Insert snarky comment here.) An odd reaction takes place when combining the fabric of the white T with the secretion of the male armpit. It is similar to that which happens when you take your dog out for walk after a freshly fallen snow. For those of you from southern California who may have no concept of this pairing, I'll make it plain. Within this vast blanket of perfect white forms a spot of yellow. This spot then grows and deepens in color. In the case of the T-shirts, I call them, "The Amber Pits of Gold."

Oh, good Lord.

Single ladies! This is a warning for all of you who wish to be married. There is a good chance that even your most perfect and ideal man, whom I hope you meet and live happily ever after, will have some of the nastiest undershirts you have ever encountered. I say this to prepare you of the impending shock.

Here is my point. For many years, I mocked and sneered at that prospect of new white undershirts as a Christmas gift. Now, I welcome them with open arms... literally. I instantly transform from a disgusting slob to a Haines' model in seconds with the simple application of this gift. It does wonders for my marriage. It's funny. All this time I thought I was receiving a gift that I didn't want, when I was actually being gifted with something I that I needed.

Huh!? I wonder how often that might happen!?