I've been in what I would call an "uneasy state"
as of late. It's not that much is going wrong. The opposite is actually true.
Much is going very, very right. Still, there is this internal tension that
takes hold in the quiet moments of my brain and subtly nudges me toward a place
of dissatisfaction with my self and with my circumstance. Allow me to clarify
your mental eye by painting more color and detail into what I'm describing.
I was driving down to Paramount with my newlywed wife to watch
the opening ceremony of the Olympics with some of our closest friends. We rode
in silence during the breaks in conversation because I had forgotten my IPod at
home and the radio tends to fail in providing musical vibe I might hope for on
such a journey. These quiet moments afford me the opportunity to think upon my
day.
Here's a little glimpse into my thoughts as I drove down the
605:
I forgot my IPod
again. Have I really been married for over a month? It is 7 pm!? I haven't
worked out in a long time. I need to make a schedule. I can't make a schedule,
because there are too many random things going on. How has it already been a
month!? Things will calm down soon. Oh crap! I still have to get that project
done. I should really be writing again. Why do I always forget my IPod? Next
Monday, the diet and exercise starts. Oh wait... I have to be at that thing on
Monday. I need a routine. IT'S BEEN OVER A MONTH!?...
And on and on it goes like that. I am assuming you've had
similar internal discussions with your own thoughts, hopes, and agendas. Even
though none of these things are really a big deal, when I let them stack up on
one another like this, I feel weighed down by a sense of failure and inadequacy.
And so, in that frustration and uneasiness, I long for control.
If I can just plan it well, if I could just make a schedule,
if I could just come up with a strategy and follow through, then... then I
would feel better and then I would be content. Ultimately, I want my life to be
completely under my omniscient and omnipotent reign.
Here is the problem. Any control I think I might have over
my current circumstances can be upended and torn asunder within seconds, and
this not because the changing winds blow so strong, but because my illusion of
control is so fragile and easily destroyed. Most of the time when I am faced
with this reality, my response is one of fear.
So in that state of fear, I scramble to gather the shards and broken pieces of
the control I had built and try again.
After all, how can I feel safe, secure and content while knowing I am not in control?
It reminds me of the Biblical encounters between man and God.
I am sure that if there was ever a time to know that you are not in control, it is when the heavens have
been ripped open and before you stands a horrific and awesome messenger of God.
Notice that in all these cases, the people respond with fear and trembling as
their fragile houses of control have
just been dashed to pieces. Yet... in each of these cases, the first words from
God are, "Do not be afraid."
Interesting...
It is in the loss of control that God speaks to the
irrelevance of fear...
Maybe my schedule won't save me...
